Something else I've been thinking about recently is all our derby "friends", and what the difference between derby friendship and other friendships is. The differences are many, but I have stumbled on one thing about derby friendship that I find interesting (not judging it, just observing) - work is the currency of most derby friendships.
It can be the work you do founding a league, building a team, training to play, for WFTDA, for a tournament, as support staff for a league, or a trusted volunteer for a community project like derbymatic. What I have realized is that some of the people I love the most in derby I came to love so much because of what they have done for me, not the amount of time we spent getting to know each other by doing things in real life, or a history of fun adventures we've had. It's been the WORK we did together - having one thing in common to start with: a selfless volunteer work ethic, and ability to do the work that needs to be done.
There are people I worked with for years founding a league, working in WFTDA, playing on a team with, who, at the time we worked together, I'd consider among my closest friends. When you move on, though, and no longer contribute to the work, friendships are largely quickly forgotten. Of the original league founders, who over time numbered about 12 on a few different versions of Boards, 3 are still my real friends in real life. This is not something I'm crying over by the way - just noticing.
There are people I've become close friends with because of the work they did for me when I've been in chair positions. People who I might not be friends with if we were neighbors, but who I found common ground with because of working toward a common goal together, and their willingness to kindly help ease my burden. People who I'm no longer in touch with because our lives and derby lives are too all-consuming to be in regular communication with each other if we're not working on a project together. Lots of those people I still love a whole lot.
Where did the love come from, though? From work. Who is the most beloved girl on your team? Most likely the one who shows up to practice and fundraisers or team events the most. (Puts in the most work). If you've been a rep in WFTDA, which reps do you like the most? Often the ones who do the majority of the meaningful work that benefits you or your league. Who gets complained about? The girls on your team who never show up to practice, or don't do their share of committee work, or don't vote in WFTDA votes, etc.
The more interesting part is what happens when you stop working. People leave derby, or derby volunteer work positions for a variety of reasons. Not only do people stop being your friends when you no longer work for them, some of them get really angry at you! "You took your work away! We need your work!" As though you have no right to have other priorities and not spend all your time volunteering. Your past work is no longer meaningful, now what reamins is that you let people down by not working for them.
I can remember early on, when my original league picked its first travel team, and my wife and I were on it, how upset our home team got with us about how it was taking our resources away from the team, because of focus and having to go to tt practice instead of their practices. We did our best to divide our loyalties well, but there was resentment when we took our work away from the team. Likewise there's league resentment when you take your resources away from your league to provide them to WFTDA. And so on, and on and on.
I have made some friends over the last few years who remain my friends even after I stopped working for them, in derby - but they really are few. I am learning about what kind of friends you can make when you're one of the girls who just shows up to skate, and does the bare minimum of committee work...I wonder what the currency of those friendships are? Will they be like the friends you make everywhere else in life?
One thing I have learned (through my own experience leaving the league I helped birth, and my friends' experiences in league founding and WFTDA) to pass on to others is this: if you do work extra hard for derby, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, and that the work in and of itself is gratifying. If you are working hard on your team or league or WFTDA or any derby volunteer project because you want appreciation from those you serve, or the love of your community in return, there's a big chance you'll wind up disappointed.
Derby moves and grows quickly, and people take for granted things that didn't exist 3 months ago almost immediately. Derby people are often too busy firefighting their league's or team's issues to take time to properly thank the volunteers who make what they do possible. Not only don't they always have time to thank you for what you do, they'll also forget that you laid all the groundwork 3 years ago for the things they take for granted. Look how demanding people are now about the timeliness of WFTDA's rules modifications or rankings :) (with never a thanks to the pioneers that made both possible just a few short years ago...)
I have no regrets about leaving all my volunteer derby jobs this year to pursue other things, and I am proud of the work that I did in those positions. No one can take that away from me - I did it because I enjoyed it, and out of love for derby and the women who create it. I left everyone in every position I left, who took over my jobs, a better tool kit than I had when I walked into the position - in the case of WFTDA PR/Marketing, I invented a whole department in a space that, when I orginally walked into it, had no map, no tools, and almost no direction from leadership. I am finding it way funny that there are people I left behind who are mad. Who will probably not be my friends again because I took my work away. I left them a few years' legacy of good, hard work, but that's not what they'll remember. No regrets about that, either, oddly enough. Just a giggle. Maybe because they no longer work for me, either?
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Roller Derby Is Feelings!
I am getting a much better handle on how I landed here, and where I am with it. I've been to a few scrimmages and practices that were actually fun, and I've started getting my legs back under me. I've witnessed and participated in some league politics that I really don't enjoy. I've watched some people nationwide flame out online, and heard some gossip about peoples' feelings on my inevitable burnout that caused me to leave WFTDA BoD, leadership on my home league, and then leave WFTDA as a rep entirely. Boy, do people in roller derby have some FEELINGS!
I worked hard for roller derby because of feelings - good feelings of reward for hard work done, being valued for what I could contribute, cameraderie and team spirit (whether on the track or admin), deep love for all the women of this great sport and the amazing thing we were creating together, and the escape it all provided from a bad marriage and a difficult homelife. My children and derby were the things in my life that made me happy - everything else was suck.
Different things happened along the way to break my heart, on the track and in admin, especially as I took on more responsibility in WFTDA. You just don't know how much I wanted to honor all the amazing hard work so many women do all over the world to make this sport happen by giving everything I had to make things better in WFTDA, and rewarding for everyone through WFTDA. Laugh at me for being such and idealist - go ahead! But it's the truth. I wouldn't trade these experiences and what I've learned from them for anything, but I'm exhausted, for sure.
At the end of the burnout, something interesting became clear. In my personal life, I had made some drastic changes that derby was the catalyst for on many levels (we all know the 'derby saved my life' stories of many girls, I've got mine, too...). I found my own happy (beginning) ending, and much of the derby stress became incongruous with the happy I was enjoying in every other part of my life. My prioritizing derby over most things led to a serious downfall in my school work, as well. The economy made a change in my job that carved my time for derby in half. Suddenly I had bad grades (when I used to have stellar ones), a job with longer hours where I couldn't do derby work at work anymore, and got to feel badly about not being able to do my derby work for WFTDA or my league as well as I could have once upon a time, to boot.
Soon, derby became a source of regular anger. I would check in on message boards and be angry every time I read them. It's like I was holding on to some pattern or vestige of my old home life. Like I had become comfortable with having a regular source of rage in my life, something to be fired up about. I actually started to use this - sick and funny - when I was sick and couldn't drink coffee to wake up in the morning, I would just read the WFTDA boards for 5 minutes, and it would make me upset enough that I'd be wide, wide awake! Way to start the day, huh? Oh, feelings...
Having quit just about everything in an effort to be really present at work, get my grades back to a 4.0 (which I have, this semester - YAY!), and actually skate on my home league, hindsight is definitely 20/20. I know there are people that come into derby as happy, fulfilled people already. But I feel really sure that for a majority of us, derby is filling a hole somewhere in our lives. For some people it's just getting away from the grind of a hard job or a Masters program, for others it's as dramatic as escaping spousal abuse or getting good exercise and support while going through cancer treatment.
Lots of people leave after getting married, having a baby, graduating college, or, unfortunately, having their hearts broken by their team, league or WFTDA. I hate when that happens. I have personally witnessed some amazing personal transformations of vets of my original league as they kept going on the league even after huge personal heartbreak at the hands of team or league unfairness, and have come out the other side successful both on the track and in life in general. And I have friends who let someone on their team, or coaching staff, or in one case an entire league, bully them out of being in derby anymore. Kudos to the people who hang in there and don't let other people steal their fun, and also love to people who just can't take the pain anymore and leave before they hit their prime. Respect to people who prioritize their lives over derby, too - to each his own, and not everyone can hold derby above all else.
So, we have success despite all the feelings, and quitting because of all the feelings, and some people who seemingly have no feelings, too! On this scale, I am in burnout from having too many feelings for so long. I am finally in that place of being able to sit back and watch everyone else have their "caring too much" moments, and think about my own. There were many. I have only tired of ever having them again very recently. I am very interested to find out if I can come to derby from a light and happy place, and just enjoy what's great about it. We'll see, but this will be the last season I try - school will take precedent over everything after our season ends, as I begin a more intense program of study. I just don't know if derby will mean the same thing in my life now that it's not my escape.
I find even thinking about our exciting new season draining sometimes. I care more about studying than practicing on many nights. I'm still trying, but mostly for other people more than for myself. I need to keep thinking about that. I am way less inspired, and the cost/benefit ratio is starting to feel weird to me - like since I don't care about being on a travel team, being a rockstar, etc., suddenly the idea of maybe permanently injuring myself is scarier. Here's where I keep landing, though, for now: it's less scary than what I would be doing of not skating - boxing. In boxing you can lose your eyesight or sustain brain damage. Skating derby is safer, right? :)
More than anything, though, I am finally getting to a place of divesting myself of all the FEELINGS. I am letting go of the anger habit, and learning to put derby in a proper place in my emotional landscape. It's new for me - and I'm absolutely not alone. Better women than I have left just to stop feeling so angry all the time...
I worked hard for roller derby because of feelings - good feelings of reward for hard work done, being valued for what I could contribute, cameraderie and team spirit (whether on the track or admin), deep love for all the women of this great sport and the amazing thing we were creating together, and the escape it all provided from a bad marriage and a difficult homelife. My children and derby were the things in my life that made me happy - everything else was suck.
Different things happened along the way to break my heart, on the track and in admin, especially as I took on more responsibility in WFTDA. You just don't know how much I wanted to honor all the amazing hard work so many women do all over the world to make this sport happen by giving everything I had to make things better in WFTDA, and rewarding for everyone through WFTDA. Laugh at me for being such and idealist - go ahead! But it's the truth. I wouldn't trade these experiences and what I've learned from them for anything, but I'm exhausted, for sure.
At the end of the burnout, something interesting became clear. In my personal life, I had made some drastic changes that derby was the catalyst for on many levels (we all know the 'derby saved my life' stories of many girls, I've got mine, too...). I found my own happy (beginning) ending, and much of the derby stress became incongruous with the happy I was enjoying in every other part of my life. My prioritizing derby over most things led to a serious downfall in my school work, as well. The economy made a change in my job that carved my time for derby in half. Suddenly I had bad grades (when I used to have stellar ones), a job with longer hours where I couldn't do derby work at work anymore, and got to feel badly about not being able to do my derby work for WFTDA or my league as well as I could have once upon a time, to boot.
Soon, derby became a source of regular anger. I would check in on message boards and be angry every time I read them. It's like I was holding on to some pattern or vestige of my old home life. Like I had become comfortable with having a regular source of rage in my life, something to be fired up about. I actually started to use this - sick and funny - when I was sick and couldn't drink coffee to wake up in the morning, I would just read the WFTDA boards for 5 minutes, and it would make me upset enough that I'd be wide, wide awake! Way to start the day, huh? Oh, feelings...
Having quit just about everything in an effort to be really present at work, get my grades back to a 4.0 (which I have, this semester - YAY!), and actually skate on my home league, hindsight is definitely 20/20. I know there are people that come into derby as happy, fulfilled people already. But I feel really sure that for a majority of us, derby is filling a hole somewhere in our lives. For some people it's just getting away from the grind of a hard job or a Masters program, for others it's as dramatic as escaping spousal abuse or getting good exercise and support while going through cancer treatment.
Lots of people leave after getting married, having a baby, graduating college, or, unfortunately, having their hearts broken by their team, league or WFTDA. I hate when that happens. I have personally witnessed some amazing personal transformations of vets of my original league as they kept going on the league even after huge personal heartbreak at the hands of team or league unfairness, and have come out the other side successful both on the track and in life in general. And I have friends who let someone on their team, or coaching staff, or in one case an entire league, bully them out of being in derby anymore. Kudos to the people who hang in there and don't let other people steal their fun, and also love to people who just can't take the pain anymore and leave before they hit their prime. Respect to people who prioritize their lives over derby, too - to each his own, and not everyone can hold derby above all else.
So, we have success despite all the feelings, and quitting because of all the feelings, and some people who seemingly have no feelings, too! On this scale, I am in burnout from having too many feelings for so long. I am finally in that place of being able to sit back and watch everyone else have their "caring too much" moments, and think about my own. There were many. I have only tired of ever having them again very recently. I am very interested to find out if I can come to derby from a light and happy place, and just enjoy what's great about it. We'll see, but this will be the last season I try - school will take precedent over everything after our season ends, as I begin a more intense program of study. I just don't know if derby will mean the same thing in my life now that it's not my escape.
I find even thinking about our exciting new season draining sometimes. I care more about studying than practicing on many nights. I'm still trying, but mostly for other people more than for myself. I need to keep thinking about that. I am way less inspired, and the cost/benefit ratio is starting to feel weird to me - like since I don't care about being on a travel team, being a rockstar, etc., suddenly the idea of maybe permanently injuring myself is scarier. Here's where I keep landing, though, for now: it's less scary than what I would be doing of not skating - boxing. In boxing you can lose your eyesight or sustain brain damage. Skating derby is safer, right? :)
More than anything, though, I am finally getting to a place of divesting myself of all the FEELINGS. I am letting go of the anger habit, and learning to put derby in a proper place in my emotional landscape. It's new for me - and I'm absolutely not alone. Better women than I have left just to stop feeling so angry all the time...
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