I went to practice. Again. No, seriously! I did.
It was newbie practice again, this time in Albuquerque, with the whole league. I was a little scared, not knowing what to expect. In support of my effort to get back on the horse, my husband came to practice and PUT ON SKATES - since there's no shame in being a newbie amongst newbies. My husband? Maybe you know him? If you do, you'll be proud to know he not only had wheels on his feet, but he skated around the entire basketball courts all by himself. This made my day, seriously - well played, Hurty, well played.
I helped new kids, did drills, enjoyed seeing friends, and soaked up the new and improved energy of hope and excitement. I got a little inspired watching the new talent do their skills assessment. I was floored by the fact that this new skater practice had more skaters in attendance than any veteran practice I'd been to has in over a year. I decided to go to the morning travel team practice tomorrow to do drills.
My muscles are screaming, in a good way. Baby steps.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Thursday, January 29th, 2009
I went to practice. For the first time in months. Earlier in the week when visiting with our league's awesome founders I was asked if I was playing this season, and I said yes. It was the first time I'd said it to anyone but my team captain. They promised me it was getting exciting again, fun again, because of all the newbies. Suddenly, our tiny league has doubled in size with a huge influx of new kids! I had promised my captain that I really would show up for practice one day. I thought about going to Wednesday practice, but knew that by the time I could get there it would be scrimmage time, and my first night back just wasn't going to be scrimmaging with travel team players who are weeks away from a tournament...I decided to try to be smart and go to a few newbie practices first.
So I made the drive to Santa Fe to a tiny Alien/ Area 51 themed rink for my team's newbie practice. (The venue, while small, is beyond amazing - warm, well - lit, indoor venue in winter is a coveted luxury here). When I say 'my team', don't think I'm talking about my girls who I came up back in the day with that I'm bonded to. (I've only been here a little over a year...) This is 'my team' that I was drafted to after going into free agency (because I've felt sure for awhile this is my last season and I had a personality conflicts with a member of the first team I was drafted to...I needed to be able to enjoy playing this year) because I felt they were the girls whose management/strategy/ playing style I was most compatible with, and the captain said she'd have me. 'My team' - half of whom have never met me, and the other half of which probably think I quit already. My team who I adore already, even though we've only ever played one game together.
So I finally showed up. I skated drills. I helped coach a newbie who I loved instantly. I began to smile more. I realized I know a few things that are helpful to someone new. I realized I hadn't forgotten how to skate. I realized being just shy of 3 weeks of not smoking meant I'd be coughing up some unsavory lung butter for a few practices. I already knew I had a lot of lost muscle to make up for, but I got a really accurate feel for how bad it really is.
The excitement of new kids is contagious. The warmth and excitement my captain and teammates bring to the room are invaluable. I felt welcome and useful. I started to feel a small glimmer of anticipation for practicing with a team again. I still felt a huge sense of dread about scrimmaging for real, or going to a full league practice. But I got out of the house and reminded my team that I exist, and promised to come back again. It's already getting better.
As I drove home I also realized how wonderful it is at the beginning, or when you're starting over with tons of new people on a team, when people don't yet know each other really well, there's no drama or big personality clash (yet) and everyone is working hard together toward a common goal, with humility and humor, because no one is a star yet. The atmosphere was refreshingly clear of tension, charged emotion, power struggle, resentment or rivalry. That was a huge relief. Hooray for the new energy new people bring!
So I made the drive to Santa Fe to a tiny Alien/ Area 51 themed rink for my team's newbie practice. (The venue, while small, is beyond amazing - warm, well - lit, indoor venue in winter is a coveted luxury here). When I say 'my team', don't think I'm talking about my girls who I came up back in the day with that I'm bonded to. (I've only been here a little over a year...) This is 'my team' that I was drafted to after going into free agency (because I've felt sure for awhile this is my last season and I had a personality conflicts with a member of the first team I was drafted to...I needed to be able to enjoy playing this year) because I felt they were the girls whose management/strategy/ playing style I was most compatible with, and the captain said she'd have me. 'My team' - half of whom have never met me, and the other half of which probably think I quit already. My team who I adore already, even though we've only ever played one game together.
So I finally showed up. I skated drills. I helped coach a newbie who I loved instantly. I began to smile more. I realized I know a few things that are helpful to someone new. I realized I hadn't forgotten how to skate. I realized being just shy of 3 weeks of not smoking meant I'd be coughing up some unsavory lung butter for a few practices. I already knew I had a lot of lost muscle to make up for, but I got a really accurate feel for how bad it really is.
The excitement of new kids is contagious. The warmth and excitement my captain and teammates bring to the room are invaluable. I felt welcome and useful. I started to feel a small glimmer of anticipation for practicing with a team again. I still felt a huge sense of dread about scrimmaging for real, or going to a full league practice. But I got out of the house and reminded my team that I exist, and promised to come back again. It's already getting better.
As I drove home I also realized how wonderful it is at the beginning, or when you're starting over with tons of new people on a team, when people don't yet know each other really well, there's no drama or big personality clash (yet) and everyone is working hard together toward a common goal, with humility and humor, because no one is a star yet. The atmosphere was refreshingly clear of tension, charged emotion, power struggle, resentment or rivalry. That was a huge relief. Hooray for the new energy new people bring!
Derby breaks bones and hearts...
This Spring begins my 4th year in derby. I used to live for it. Like lots of people, it consumed me. A series of events has led me to a new and unfamiliar place. (I'll try really hard not to make this blog a tell - all, but at times I'm pretty sure people won't be pleased with the details I'm interested in purging...) I have lost the derby love completely. What was once a passion is now a burden, obligation, source of guilt or anger, at times humiliation, and all around sore spot.
I've spent the last 8 weeks considering quitting derby entirely. There are lots of good reasons to. But I just can't help but give it one more try. I feel like I owe it to myself. As I've been going through the decision - making process, I've been hearing from other veteran skater friends from all over the country, who empathize. One friend just told me the other night how her team had noticed and commented on her loss of "the fire". My derby wife needs to be talked down from the quitting ledge frequently. Other friends of mine invest lots of time in finding inspiration to keep going. I've seen some of the best players in the sport retire this year for various reasons. I just can't seem to let myself off the hook until I feel like I've reached a personal best...and I'm very far from it.
Between various knee injuries, having to work and go to school (full - time) at the same time, raising 2 kids, nesting with my honey, overcommitting myself to WFTDA and my home league, being a skater on a league with no attendance requirement, and a sincere lack of love for playing derby anymore, I have stopped going to practice entirely. I will be starting from scratch again - overweight, out of shape, full of derby malaise.
My league had no real season or venue last year, and at first it was a welcome break from no off-season since Spring 2005. I played in a few exhibition games on mixed teams, but practiced less and less as big life changes and working for derby took over my life. When I did practice, I wrecked my good knee, and had to sit out for a few months thanks to no health care, whether I wanted to play or not. All this is to say while I still know how to play the game, I might as well have not played at all last year. So here I go, from the beginning it feels like, except without the fun or excitement. I've given up trying to pretend I love this anymore, now I'm just slogging through to see if I can find the love again.
I've spent the last 8 weeks considering quitting derby entirely. There are lots of good reasons to. But I just can't help but give it one more try. I feel like I owe it to myself. As I've been going through the decision - making process, I've been hearing from other veteran skater friends from all over the country, who empathize. One friend just told me the other night how her team had noticed and commented on her loss of "the fire". My derby wife needs to be talked down from the quitting ledge frequently. Other friends of mine invest lots of time in finding inspiration to keep going. I've seen some of the best players in the sport retire this year for various reasons. I just can't seem to let myself off the hook until I feel like I've reached a personal best...and I'm very far from it.
Between various knee injuries, having to work and go to school (full - time) at the same time, raising 2 kids, nesting with my honey, overcommitting myself to WFTDA and my home league, being a skater on a league with no attendance requirement, and a sincere lack of love for playing derby anymore, I have stopped going to practice entirely. I will be starting from scratch again - overweight, out of shape, full of derby malaise.
My league had no real season or venue last year, and at first it was a welcome break from no off-season since Spring 2005. I played in a few exhibition games on mixed teams, but practiced less and less as big life changes and working for derby took over my life. When I did practice, I wrecked my good knee, and had to sit out for a few months thanks to no health care, whether I wanted to play or not. All this is to say while I still know how to play the game, I might as well have not played at all last year. So here I go, from the beginning it feels like, except without the fun or excitement. I've given up trying to pretend I love this anymore, now I'm just slogging through to see if I can find the love again.
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