This Spring begins my 4th year in derby. I used to live for it. Like lots of people, it consumed me. A series of events has led me to a new and unfamiliar place. (I'll try really hard not to make this blog a tell - all, but at times I'm pretty sure people won't be pleased with the details I'm interested in purging...) I have lost the derby love completely. What was once a passion is now a burden, obligation, source of guilt or anger, at times humiliation, and all around sore spot.
I've spent the last 8 weeks considering quitting derby entirely. There are lots of good reasons to. But I just can't help but give it one more try. I feel like I owe it to myself. As I've been going through the decision - making process, I've been hearing from other veteran skater friends from all over the country, who empathize. One friend just told me the other night how her team had noticed and commented on her loss of "the fire". My derby wife needs to be talked down from the quitting ledge frequently. Other friends of mine invest lots of time in finding inspiration to keep going. I've seen some of the best players in the sport retire this year for various reasons. I just can't seem to let myself off the hook until I feel like I've reached a personal best...and I'm very far from it.
Between various knee injuries, having to work and go to school (full - time) at the same time, raising 2 kids, nesting with my honey, overcommitting myself to WFTDA and my home league, being a skater on a league with no attendance requirement, and a sincere lack of love for playing derby anymore, I have stopped going to practice entirely. I will be starting from scratch again - overweight, out of shape, full of derby malaise.
My league had no real season or venue last year, and at first it was a welcome break from no off-season since Spring 2005. I played in a few exhibition games on mixed teams, but practiced less and less as big life changes and working for derby took over my life. When I did practice, I wrecked my good knee, and had to sit out for a few months thanks to no health care, whether I wanted to play or not. All this is to say while I still know how to play the game, I might as well have not played at all last year. So here I go, from the beginning it feels like, except without the fun or excitement. I've given up trying to pretend I love this anymore, now I'm just slogging through to see if I can find the love again.
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You know I'm there with you...and unlike you, I did give up. I simply can't take the politicking, backbiting, and personal crap disguised as policy anymore, so I relegate myself officially to a "supporter" or "volunteer" role. I don't even want to know what's going on behind the scenes anymore, I just want to enjoy the sport, if I can, and build whatever non-sports-playing skills I've managed to foster being in administrative roles, but in a position where I no longer have to fight for my vision of derby...which seems to have faded from relevance already.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I watched my former league's intraleague opener last night, and a team that hasn't won a game since 2006, a team whose fun attitude has always made them the losers you love to root for, a team who always had some of the best raw talent but no sense of how to organize it, kicked my former championship-ring-bearing team's ass. It was beautiful. They have worked so hard and to see it finally come together, to see them looking like a different team, overcoming their deficiencies and organizing a killer strategy on the track... It made me remember why I loved derby, and to think about skating again, albeit briefly, since I gave up long before achieving my personal best.
I hope you can remain in the place of why-you-love it. I love you, woman.
KY
Oh yes, I am here right with you. I have been on hiatus since regionals where I had a melt down. I'm supposed to go back to practice next week. They need me for the IL games coming up and that of course makes me feel guilty, to have everyone depending on me. Ny term as league coordinator went well over a year and before that, I was on the board as PR... You know the shit that happened to Anthony, he's back in Cali and my new man has been in the hospital for over 3 months with pancreatitis, I'm putting on benefits for him, just did the QSR's, have 2 wonderful but high energy girls.. It's overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteWhat you said echoes all of my sentiments and yet, I still love the derby, love the game and love the wftda. I now forwarn any new recruit of over-doing the derby. It goes from fun to duty way too fast.