Roller Derby Is Feelings!

I am getting a much better handle on how I landed here, and where I am with it. I've been to a few scrimmages and practices that were actually fun, and I've started getting my legs back under me. I've witnessed and participated in some league politics that I really don't enjoy. I've watched some people nationwide flame out online, and heard some gossip about peoples' feelings on my inevitable burnout that caused me to leave WFTDA BoD, leadership on my home league, and then leave WFTDA as a rep entirely. Boy, do people in roller derby have some FEELINGS!

I worked hard for roller derby because of feelings - good feelings of reward for hard work done, being valued for what I could contribute, cameraderie and team spirit (whether on the track or admin), deep love for all the women of this great sport and the amazing thing we were creating together, and the escape it all provided from a bad marriage and a difficult homelife. My children and derby were the things in my life that made me happy - everything else was suck.

Different things happened along the way to break my heart, on the track and in admin, especially as I took on more responsibility in WFTDA. You just don't know how much I wanted to honor all the amazing hard work so many women do all over the world to make this sport happen by giving everything I had to make things better in WFTDA, and rewarding for everyone through WFTDA. Laugh at me for being such and idealist - go ahead! But it's the truth. I wouldn't trade these experiences and what I've learned from them for anything, but I'm exhausted, for sure.

At the end of the burnout, something interesting became clear. In my personal life, I had made some drastic changes that derby was the catalyst for on many levels (we all know the 'derby saved my life' stories of many girls, I've got mine, too...). I found my own happy (beginning) ending, and much of the derby stress became incongruous with the happy I was enjoying in every other part of my life. My prioritizing derby over most things led to a serious downfall in my school work, as well. The economy made a change in my job that carved my time for derby in half. Suddenly I had bad grades (when I used to have stellar ones), a job with longer hours where I couldn't do derby work at work anymore, and got to feel badly about not being able to do my derby work for WFTDA or my league as well as I could have once upon a time, to boot.

Soon, derby became a source of regular anger. I would check in on message boards and be angry every time I read them. It's like I was holding on to some pattern or vestige of my old home life. Like I had become comfortable with having a regular source of rage in my life, something to be fired up about. I actually started to use this - sick and funny - when I was sick and couldn't drink coffee to wake up in the morning, I would just read the WFTDA boards for 5 minutes, and it would make me upset enough that I'd be wide, wide awake! Way to start the day, huh? Oh, feelings...

Having quit just about everything in an effort to be really present at work, get my grades back to a 4.0 (which I have, this semester - YAY!), and actually skate on my home league, hindsight is definitely 20/20. I know there are people that come into derby as happy, fulfilled people already. But I feel really sure that for a majority of us, derby is filling a hole somewhere in our lives. For some people it's just getting away from the grind of a hard job or a Masters program, for others it's as dramatic as escaping spousal abuse or getting good exercise and support while going through cancer treatment.

Lots of people leave after getting married, having a baby, graduating college, or, unfortunately, having their hearts broken by their team, league or WFTDA. I hate when that happens. I have personally witnessed some amazing personal transformations of vets of my original league as they kept going on the league even after huge personal heartbreak at the hands of team or league unfairness, and have come out the other side successful both on the track and in life in general. And I have friends who let someone on their team, or coaching staff, or in one case an entire league, bully them out of being in derby anymore. Kudos to the people who hang in there and don't let other people steal their fun, and also love to people who just can't take the pain anymore and leave before they hit their prime. Respect to people who prioritize their lives over derby, too - to each his own, and not everyone can hold derby above all else.

So, we have success despite all the feelings, and quitting because of all the feelings, and some people who seemingly have no feelings, too! On this scale, I am in burnout from having too many feelings for so long. I am finally in that place of being able to sit back and watch everyone else have their "caring too much" moments, and think about my own. There were many. I have only tired of ever having them again very recently. I am very interested to find out if I can come to derby from a light and happy place, and just enjoy what's great about it. We'll see, but this will be the last season I try - school will take precedent over everything after our season ends, as I begin a more intense program of study. I just don't know if derby will mean the same thing in my life now that it's not my escape.

I find even thinking about our exciting new season draining sometimes. I care more about studying than practicing on many nights. I'm still trying, but mostly for other people more than for myself. I need to keep thinking about that. I am way less inspired, and the cost/benefit ratio is starting to feel weird to me - like since I don't care about being on a travel team, being a rockstar, etc., suddenly the idea of maybe permanently injuring myself is scarier. Here's where I keep landing, though, for now: it's less scary than what I would be doing of not skating - boxing. In boxing you can lose your eyesight or sustain brain damage. Skating derby is safer, right? :)

More than anything, though, I am finally getting to a place of divesting myself of all the FEELINGS. I am letting go of the anger habit, and learning to put derby in a proper place in my emotional landscape. It's new for me - and I'm absolutely not alone. Better women than I have left just to stop feeling so angry all the time...